What might it mean to feel highly visible and, at the same time, unseen?
For some people, living in a body that attracts attention, comment or judgement involves precisely this paradox. Their shape or size is noticed, before anything else about them. Yet their individual experiences, health, relationships, abilities and personality may be overlooked. The body becomes visible while the person seems to remain hidden.
This can be a painful and lonely experience. It is about so much more than wanting to look different. It is about yearning to be recognised as a human being, for who you are in your entirety rather than reduced to what someone else believes a body might mean.
Visible as a body, invisible as a person
People in both thinner and fuller bodies can experience intrusive comments, assumptions and shame. These experiences can occur across gender identities. Someone may be told they are “too thin”, while another is treated as though their size reveals everything about their eating, health, lifestyle or character.
These experiences are very different. Weight stigma can create particular barriers for people in larger bodies, and body judgement can intersect with sexism, racism, ableism and discrimination relating to gender identity. Embracing different experiences widens our understanding and appreciation of instances that evoke pain and shame.
The difficulty lies partly in what is assumed. Assumptions are often made of the visible body of another. A person’s body may be read as evidence of laziness, discipline, illness, strength or weakness, without anyone asking about their life. Even a passing comment intended as a compliment can leave someone feeling watched, misunderstood or shamed.
Consider, for example, the phrase: “You look so well” which might seem harmful and yet can be misunderstood and evoke shame in another – shame being experienced by the person on the receiving end of the comment, which may well be painful to hear when someone is struggling. Praise for apparent weight loss is another area where shame can result. It's fascinating to consider why we feel it's okay to comment on someone's body - weight loss might reflect illness, grief or distress, or it might be intentional. Concern about someone’s size may become the focus of the conversation, leaving little space for the person concerned and what they actually wanted to say
What a body cannot tell us
Bodies do not give a reliable visible and accurate account of a person’s health or circumstances. Some medical illnesses and disabilities are not visible, and can impact metabolism, weight and well-being and therefore changes in size may have complex meanings far beyond looking and what can be seen.
For example, conditions such as lupus, Crohn’s disease, bile acid malabsorption, Cushing’s disease and thyroid disorders can affect people in different ways. Depending on the condition and the individual, illness or treatment may affect appetite, digestion, energy, metabolism, fluid retention or weight. Medication can also contribute to changes for some people. These conditions have different effects on individuals.
A person may therefore be managing pain, fatigue, digestive symptoms or demanding treatment while also facing assumptions about their appearance. Their body attracts attention, but the reality of lived experience in it remains unseen.
People deserve dignity whether or not their size is connected with illness
Concealing the body, protecting the self
When being noticed has repeatedly brought discomfort, concealment can feel protective. A person may wear looser clothes to disguise their shape, avoid photographs, sit where they feel less exposed, or withdraw from situations in which they expect scrutiny. People in both smaller and larger bodies may do this.
There is nothing inherently troubling about loose clothing, privacy or choosing not to be photographed. Clothing can offer comfort, pleasure, cultural expression and freedom. What matters is the meaning for the individual: is this a choice they enjoy, or something they feel compelled to do to avoid scrutiny and humiliation?
“Camouflaging” is a term used which may describe an attempt to make the body less noticeable. Sometimes, however, the hiding extends beyond appearance. Someone may stop expressing preferences, speaking in groups or allowing themselves to occupy their own space in a relationship.
This can begin to feel like self-erasure: making less of oneself available to others. It is important to understand this compassionately. Withdrawing may be a way of protecting oneself from experiences that have genuinely been painful.
When judgement moves inside
Repeated criticism and judgement can become internalised. A person may begin to anticipate criticism even when nothing has been said, monitoring how they sit, eat, dress or move. Attention shifts from experiencing life to imagining how they appear through someone else’s eyes.
This is sometimes described as self-objectification: relating to oneself primarily as a body to be evaluated, rather than as a person with feelings, needs and agency. When the body is compared with another in what is called social comparison, this can be intensified – shame happening when we compare ourselves to another in relationship. Other people’s bodies become a measure against which we compare ourselves, feeling inadequate or aspiring to look like someone else.
Yet the problem is not simply that someone thinks too negatively. Their vigilance may have developed in response to actual ridicule, exclusion or discrimination. Supporting them requires attention both to their internal experience and to the environment and the social conditions that have helped shape it.
The hiding cycle
Fear of being mocked or rejected can lead to withdrawal. Withdrawal may offer immediate relief, while also reducing opportunities for companionship, recognition and belonging. Over time, someone may feel increasingly isolated and less able to imagine being accepted.
This can become a painful cycle: anticipating judgement, hiding to protect oneself and feel safer, and then feeling even more unseen.
The effects may reach into work as well as social life. Someone may hesitate to contribute in a meeting or feel their opinions carry less weight. Appearance-based prejudice may also affect whose competence is recognised or who is considered for leadership and promotion. These are not difficulties that confidence alone can resolve; responsibility also lies with workplaces and the people within them.
Making room for the person
For practitioners, the invitation is to remain curious about your client, have an awareness of your own prejudices and not make assumptions regarding the meaning of weight and size. What has being noticed meant in their life? When have they felt overlooked? What does hiding protect them from, and what might it cost psychologically?
We also need to consider our own assumptions. Do we interpret a change in weight as good or bad before asking what it means? Do we focus so much on the body that we lose sight of the person?
Offering warmth, safety and protection in a strong therapeutic relationship will be essential. This may begin with an experience of being listened to sensitively, with compassionate attention to shame when it is evoked and unconditional acceptance for who they are in the body they live in and experience.
Perhaps we could consider what is important in working with these issues in client work where the focus and emphasis must be on seeing our client as the whole person.